~ThePhenomNemesis

This is a journal – or a diary – I wrote through-out three day writing about my feelings. Usually, the way I express my feelings or stressful moments is through writing. This is an outcome of love feelings I’ve been keeping inside of me for far too long.

P.S.: It could be real yet a fantasy of my own.


Chapter I:

I don’t know where to start or where to end, I’ve tried to commit suicide more than I tried to live. Every time I’m one step away from death someone comes and saves me from my hell. Now when she’s gone, I’m not there, death is a certain pace in my life. Every time I tried after I left, a message from God appears to save me again. I wonder what this life is for not having someone by my side, other than God, but God knows more than I do and surely knows what’s coming into my life. I kept looking for answers hoping to find an answer or two but the answer seem nowhere to be found. I dedicated my life to help others hoping I’ll find the answer in them but for years and years I lost faith in everything. No more signs, no more hope and no more faith; I lived my life according to my rules, the seven deadly sins. Didn’t matter if I broke a one or two, there was still time for me to atone. Met her after a while not knowing how I feel or how to feel, lost my sense of living or feeling alive again. One day sitting on the concrete floor looking into the deep eyes of that creature, an angel for I have said. I’ve seen the world in colors of faith for the first time in many years. Her touch made me realize that I have sinned, but according to my life this how it meant to be. Written on a paper above in the seventh sky, heaven shall not wait for us for we shall create ours. Her wine, our wine, is what keeps us alive and strong to battle all sins. In love and sorrow a new agreement for me to stay in life, to love her with all my heart or at least what’s left of it. I cut my chest wide open ripped out my heart, placed her there for she’s the one who keeps me alive. If I lose her I’ll be losing this blessed life, blessed for she’s with me, a part of me, she is me at some kind of life. I’ll live with her forever if God allows, but till then I’ll pray the God to give me power to make it right. I sent her my vows and I crossed my heart and hoped to die that if I break one vow I shall burn in the seventh circle of hell. She’s the one who inspires me on wanting to live more and more, waking up in bed watching opening her eyes every single dawn, watching her fall asleep every night. If I were granted a power it’d be is to love her right. She means the world to me although this world is not meant to be for her and I. but we’ll live it for we were born here for a purpose or a reason. My purpose in this life was to love her with all my heart. If you can hear me out there, this for you, you know who you are.

Chapter II:

Back to the start again, a new life born with her, I wonder how life would be without her. When I look into her eyes I see everything at ease, no more pain no more sorrow, I see pain and misery in a sweeter way, a way that brings me back alive and keeps me alive and feeling alive. Her touch takes my stress away with the soft skin on skin I feel her breath taking mine away to a new level of love, the love that consumes me with every blood drop into my heart. Her skin reflects a mirror image of me for it so pure, so true, and so smooth that I can feel her heart beating with love. Her hair covering my face, covering my body that it gives me warmth of love, it is slowly becoming a part of me. Her lips, is a razorblade that keeps cutting me with a passionate cut that remains for hours and days. Her body over mine, her lips hooked up with mine, the whole world stops spinning and time stops ticking for us for every second now seems to be a decade. Every time we meet we live a new life of passion and love, feelings that we don’t want to forget or lose. She makes me what I am today, a better person, a person who loves this life for she is in it, a person with manners, a person of passion with no lust in need. I wish I can do her the same; yet, she tells me I give her more than she needs. Every night before I close my eyes and sleep, I close my eyes and listen to her voice for she lays me to rest with her serenaded symphonic melodic soothing voice, a voice that bears the outstanding surroundings in this world, a voice that goes through the heart and stays there for an everlasting love. Yet I keep wondering where I would be without her in this world, would I be the same or someone else, would I be a better person or a worse one. But again I say, I don’t care for this state I’m in is where I always wanted to be, a person to make her happy, safe, calm and whole again. If you can hear me out there, you know who you are.

Chapter III:

Back to life, back from the dead. Found the only thing, a person, who keeps me alive. Met her by mistake but our love wasn’t. If mistakes come with the best outcome then this will be my last mistake for I no longer looking for anything else to make me this happy, to make me this calm, to make me safe even to make me whole. I’ve lost the better part of me during war with my own kind, the guy in the mirror that is. She calls me up when I’m sad and I wonder how she knows and so do I. even though we’re apart, deep within we’re connected by heart and soul, mind and body, skin on skin, lips on lips. If love was alive it’ll be through us for we are true, pure and real by its entire means. I wonder how silence breaks because every time we meet silence takes over and actions reveals but silently. Desperately we meet every time, trying to coop to the new life we’re in for every time we meet is a whole new life. Hugs and kisses; a look into the eyes; that was the key to bring back the memories of our old lives. Distance can’t break us apart, souls connected by the soul in our hearts. If our lives to end not here but through out eternity, then in here my heaven lies hoping to be forevermore through after eternity. This is our right to live, to live together, to die together, and to stand as one. She’s the one who gave me birth not as a child, but as a soul who finally understood the reason why is he alive, she’s the reason I was born in this life. I wish she can hear me right now, I wish she can hear my heart weeping desperately to see her, so hear her voice, to look into her eyes, to touch her skin, to kiss her lips, to drink her wine. I wish she knows how much I care about her and how much I love her. If you can hear me right now, listen to this: “I’m on my knees weeping my soul out, begging your forgiveness if I’ve done any mistake or if I hurt you in any way, I’m sorry and this I promise, I’ll never let go, I love you with all my heart, please come and live my world, come make my arms your home”.

Chapter IV:

The road is coming to an end; yet, I cannot overcome the fact that we’re losing. This fight was not at any point fair, it was the fight of two people deeply and madly in love against the power house of dogmatism. It was a fight of two against a wall that will never break until we lose. We might have lost the war but our love we will never and never lose. I promised her once that I’ll never leave her and I’ll love her forevermore and I’m keeping that promise fighting everyone, fighting religions for this love is true. Ever since we lost the fight, her face has been haunting me, telling me that I should come back and fight more and more. She gives me the power to stay alive and keep fighting, she gives me the faith I have lost in myself, I love her and I’m ready to do anything for her. “I would bleed for her, if I could only see her now”, I love you where ever you are, where ever you go, and I’m here forevermore, standing out for you, waiting for you with arms wide open.